DARK PSYCHOLOGY 3 Books in 1: Manipulation and Dark Psychology Persuasion and Dark Psychology Dark NLP The Definitive Guide to Detect and Defend Yourself from Dark Psychology Secrets.
TABLE OF CONTENTS Manipulation and Dark Psychology: How to Learn Speed Reading People, Spot Covert Emotional Manipulation, Detect Deception, and Defend Yourself from Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic People Introduction Chapter 1: What is Dark Psychology? Chapter 2: The 4 Dark Psychology Traits Machiavellianism Psychopathy Sadism Chapter 3: Psychological Manipulation Techniques Gaslighting Projection Isolation Positive Reinforcement Negative Reinforcement Punishment Nagging Yelling Silent treatment Intimidation Traumatic one-trial learning Manipulation of facts Mind control and mind games Chapter 4: Behavioral and Character Traits of the Manipulators Lying by the commission and lying by omission Denial Rationalization Minimization Diversion and Evasion Covert intimidation and guilt tripping Shaming
Vilifying the victim Playing the victim role, and playing the servant role Seduction Projecting the blame Brandishing anger Chapter 5: What is Covert Emotional Manipulation? Emotional manipulation in relationships Emotional manipulations in friendships Emotional manipulation at work Chapter 6: What are the Manipulators Trying to do? Cancellation of willpower Destroy self-esteem Passive-aggressive revenge Confuse reality Chapter 7: Behavioral Traits of Favorite Victims of Manipulators Emotional insecurity and fragility Sensitive people Emphatic people Fear of loneliness Fear of disappointing others Personality Dependent disorders and emotional dependency Chapter 8: The Role of Defense Acceptance Increase awareness Detach with love Build self-esteem Change reactions Be assertive Feed yourself Become autonomous and take control Conclusion
Persuasion and Dark Psychology: How to Detect Deception in Psychology of Persuasion, Read Body Language, Dark NLP, Hypnosis and Defend Yourself from Covert Emotional Manipulation and Dark Psychology INTRODUCTION CHAPTER ONE: WHAT IS PERSUASION Elements of persuasion Subliminal persuasion Suggestion and emotional intelligence CHAPTER TWO: METHODS OF PERSUASION Usage of force Persuasion techniques Create a need Utilizing illustrative and words Tricks used by mass media and advertising CHAPTER THREE: BRAINWASHING What is Brainwashing Techniques used in brainwashing CHAPTER FOUR: HYPNOSIS What is Hypnosis Induction Suggestion Susceptibility Types of Hypnosis Ericksonian Hypnosis CHAPTER FIVE: DARK NLP What is NLP How to use NLP in purchase Induction How to use NLP in relationships and manipulative people CHAPTER SIX: BODY LANGUAGE Body language cue The eyes clues to revealing true intentions Signs of the shoulders neck and hips
Mimic body language CHAPTER SEVEN: COVERT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION CHAPTER EIGHT: FAVOURITE VICTIMS OF MANIPULATORS Behavioural traits CHAPTER NINE: DECEPTION What is Deception Primary components of deception Detecting deception CHAPTER TEN: THE DARK TRIAD CHAPTER ELEVEN: MIND GAMES CHAPTER TWELVE: HOW TO DEFEND YOURSELF FROM PERSUASION AND MANIPULATION CONCLUSION Dark NLP: The Art of Reading People. How to Analyze People, Spot Covert Emotional Manipulation, Detect Deception and Defend Yourself from Toxic People Who Know NLP Dark Psychology Introduction Chapter 1: What is NLP? The Dark Triad Dark Psychology and Criminology Chapter 2: Dark Psychology How to Analyze People Meditation Chapter 3: NLP and You NLP History Behavior Imitation Body Language Language Imitation Chapter 4: The Behavioral Bases Brainwashing Manipulation
Persuasion Deception Covert Emotional Manipulation Chapter 5: Non-Verbal and Verbal Communication Non-Verbal Communication Communication Skills Chapter 6: Hypnosis The Father of Hypnosis Ericksonian Hypnosis Chapter 7: Detection and Personality Safety Divert Attention Denial Lie Seduction Manipulation Mindfulness Self-Esteem Non-Verbal Communication Conclusion
Manipulation and Dark Psychology: How to Learn Speed Reading People, Spot Covert Emotional Manipulation, Detect Deception, and Defend Yourself from Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic People
Introduction Congratulations on downloading Manipulation and Dark Psychology: How to Learn Speed Reading People, Spot Covert Emotional Manipulation, Detect Deception, and Defend Yourself from Narcissistic Abuse and Toxic People, and thanks for doing so. The following chapters will discuss the traits of malicious and manipulative people and teach you how to identify the techniques they use to take advantage of others. We will look at the concept of dark psychology and discuss dark psychological traits such as narcissism, psychopathy, sadism, and Machiavellianism so that you understand the driving forces behind manipulative people. The book will also list and dissect all the manipulation techniques while using simple anecdotes to help you understand how those techniques work, and how someone might use them against you. The book also covers the behavioral tendencies and character traits of manipulators so that you can identify malicious people when they cross your path. It also covers covert and subtle methods that people in your life might use to influence you without your knowledge. The book takes a dive into the psyche of the manipulators to help you understand exactly why they do what they do, and what end goals they have in mind when they target you. It also discusses the vulnerabilities that manipulative people look for in the people they choose to victimize.
Towards the end, the book teaches tried and tested methods that people can use to defend against manipulation and exploitation. You will discover why your self-esteem is your best defense when dealing with psychological manipulators, and what you can do to raise your self-esteem and regain control over your life.
There are lots of books on dark psychology and manipulation in the market right now, so thank you very much for choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure that this book is filled with useful insights and practical information that can help protect you against manipulators, so please enjoy!
Chapter 1: What is Dark Psychology? There are many different ways to define dark psychology, but in this book, we will go with the simplest one. Dark Psychology is the art and science of manipulation and mind control. Psychology, in general, seeks to study and understand human behavior. It is focused on our thoughts, actions, and the way we interact with each other. Dark psychology, however, just focuses on the kinds of thoughts and actions that are predatory in nature. Dark psychology examines the tactics used by malicious people to motivate, persuade, manipulate, or coerce others into acting in ways that are beneficial to themselves, and potentially detrimental to the other person. Dark psychology can be seen as the study of the human condition, in relation to the psychological nature of the different kinds of people who prey on others. The fact is that every single human being has the potential to victimize other people or other living creatures. However, due to social norms, the human conscience, and other factors, most humans tend to restrain their dark urges and to keep themselves from acting on every impulse that they have. However, there is a small percentage of the population that is unable to keep their dark urges in check, and they harm others in seemingly unimaginable ways. The point of dark psychology, as a subject, is to try to understand those thoughts, feelings, and perceptions that cause people to behave in predatory ways towards each other. Experts in dark psychology work under the assumption that the vast majority of human predatory actions are purposeful. In other words, most of the people who prey on others (99.99%) do it for specific reasons, while the remaining people (0.01%) do it for no reason at
all. The assumption is that when people do evil things, they have specific motivations, some of which may even be completely rational from their point of view. People do bad things with specific goals in mind and specific rationales for their actions, and only a tiny fraction of the population brutally victimizes others without a purpose that can be reasonably explained by either evolutionary science or some form of religious dogma. You have heard many times that everyone has a dark side. All cultures and belief systems acknowledge this dark side to some extent. Our society refers to it as “evil” while some cultures and religions have gone so far as to create mythical beings to whom they attribute that evil (the devil, Satan, demons, etc.). Experts in dark psychology posit that there as some among us who commit the worst kinds of evil, for purposes that are unknown. While most people may do evil things to gain power, money, retribution, or for sexual purposes, there are those who do evil things because that’s just who they are. They commit acts of horror for absolutely no reason. In other words, their ends don’t justify their means; they cause harm for its own sake. Dark psychology is rooted in 4 dark personality traits. These traits are; narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy, and sadism. People with such traits tend to act in ways that are pointlessly harmful to others. Let’s look at examples of how dark psychological aspects are manifested in the real world: “I-Predators” are people or groups of people who use modern technology to
prey on others, either directly or indirectly. As we have mentioned, everyone has a dark side, and the anonymity that the internet offers has a way of bringing out that dark side in many of us. The result is that there is an everincreasing number of people who are looking to exploit, coerce, stalk, and victimize others online, and through the use of other technological tools. These predators seem to be driven by deviant fantasies, which they feel free to play out because the internet makes it possible for them to lurk in the shadows. In other words, they are not restricted by the usual social norms that keep people from revealing their dark side because no one online knows their real identities. These people tend to have all sort of prejudices and preconceptions, which they go to great lengths to impose on others. I-Predators come in different shapes and sizes; there are stalkers, harassers, criminals, perverts, terrorist, bullies, conmen, and even trolls. No matter what kind of predators they are, they all tend to have a self-awareness of the fact that they are harming others. They also tend to go out of their way to cover their tracks, which means they don’t want the people who know them in real life to discover that they have a dark side. Arson is also a different manifestation of dark psychology. Arsonists are people who tend to be obsessively preoccupied with setting fires. Some of them become serial arsonists; they set fires regularly and in a manner that is highly ritualistic. Necrophiliacs are people who are sexually interested in the dead, while serial killers are people who murder three or more people over a prolonged period of time. These are some of the most extreme manifestations of dark
psychology, and although they are rare (as a function of the overall population), they are still worth discussing if you want to understand dark psychology. Experts in the field of criminal psychology believe that serial killers and other evildoers are motivated by the pursuit of psychological gratification, which they can only achieve by performing those brutal acts. To the people who perform the worst kinds of evil acts, those acts are like drugs to them; they are addictive in a way. For instance, when a serial killer gets some form of gratification from murdering someone, he may feel the urge to do it again in order to experience the same gratification. For the purposes of this book, we won’t be discussing the darkest aspects of dark psychology; instead, we will be looking at those aspects that you are more likely to experience in your day to day life. We will be looking at how you can deal with people who are narcissistic, sadistic, Machiavellian, and psychopathic. We will look at why and how they do what they do, and what you can do to keep yourself from falling victim to their machinations.
Chapter 2: The 4 Dark Psychology Traits
For a long time, psychologists have referred to the dark human traits as "the dark triad," which consists of three negative personality traits; narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. However, in recent years, many experts in the field have been insisting that garden-variety sadism should also be added to the list of major dark psychological traits. As a result, we are now moving away from the dark triad and toward the "4 dark psychology traits". In this chapter, we will take a look at each of the four traits and discuss them in detail. Before we look at those traits, it’s important to note that understanding them is very crucial if you want to have functional knowledge of how to avoid being manipulated. In fact, research into these traits has many applications in different fields, including; clinical psychology, law
enforcement, and even business management. Studies show that people who score high when tested for the four traits are more likely to commit crimes, to cause problems within organizations, to cause distress to the people in their lives, and to society in general. In business situations, it may be important to keep people with such traits away from positions of power. We encounter instances of narcissism, Machiavellianism, sadism, and nonclinical psychopathy on a regular basis, and if we are keen, we might be able to notice them. Statistically, we all have these traits in us to some extent. In fact, when psychologists test people for these traits, they use testing methods that assume that these traits exist in a spectrum. To take sadism as an example, such tests imply that instead of having people who are sadistic and those who are not sadistic, we have people who have high levels of sadism and those who have low levels of sadism. Another important thing to note is that some of the characteristics that are displayed by people with each of the four traits can overlap, and this can be confusing, even for people who have professional training in psychology. For example, narcissists may behave in ways that are similar to Machiavellians or sadists. Because of this, it may be hard to tell what kind of dark trait a person has just by observing them for a short period of time. If someone does something that’s detrimental to others, you could be able to tell which dark trait the person has by examining the motivation, or the extent of the evil action. Don’t jump to conclusions; take some time to examine the person's behavior closely before you make any judgment. If the person’s actions are detrimental to you, it may be hard to stay objective when you are analyzing his dark personality trait, but it’s important to remember that you
can only appropriately deal with people if you have a good understanding of their traits and motivations. You can try to remove yourself from the situation and analyze the person as an objective third-party observer.
Narcissism Narcissism is the dark trait that is displayed by individuals who are narcissists. Narcissists display high levels of grandiosity, superiority, dominance, and entitlement. Narcissists tend to be charming people who have a positive outlook, which is why they are good at fooling other people. According to psychologists, narcissists are usually on the lookout for people to feed into their “narcissistic supply” because they want to use those people to build their own egos. They also lack empathy for others. One main characteristic that you see in narcissists is that they are quite good at building and cultivating relationships, and they can initially blind people to the fact that they are acting out of self-interest. We all tend to have narcissistic traits to varying extents, but there are few among us who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The terms Narcissist and Narcissism come from Narcissus, a character in Greek mythology. Narcissus was a hunter and a very attractive young man. He was so attractive that everyone seemed to fall in love with him. However, he only treated people with contempt and disdain, and he never returned the love that others showed him. Because of this, he was cursed by Nemesis (the goddess of revenge) to fall in love with his reflection in a pool of water. Just like Narcissus, modern-day narcissists are in love with themselves.
However, psychologists have come to discover that narcissist don’t love the real versions of themselves; they are in love with perfect versions of themselves, which only exist in their imaginations. It’s easy to assume that narcissists have high self-esteem, but that is not actually the case; they have a perverse kind of self-esteem that is not predicated on accepting or loving who they are but loving a fictitious grandiose version of themselves. When a narcissist acts out of self-interest to someone’s detriment, it’s usually in pursuit of that grand vision of himself, even though he knows for a fact that it’s not real. Narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance. They think they deserve to be treated better than everyone else around them. They have an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and they truly believe that when they receive favorable treatment in certain situations, it is for the common good. A narcissist thinks that when he is taking advantage of you, he is actually doing you a favor. This way, he can rationalize a lot of selfish and evil acts. In a relationship, a narcissist will think of himself as more important and more deserving than the other person. In the workplace, a narcissist will think that he has more natural talent than his colleagues, and he, therefore, deserves to be put in charge of projects or to be promoted ahead of everyone else. The interesting thing about narcissism is that in some cases, it can make someone successful. Narcissism can be a self-fulfilling prophesy. When a narcissistic person believes that he is smarter than everyone else, he may work hard to prove it, and in the end, he may be more accomplished in his career. When a narcissist believes that he should be in a leadership position, he may exude confidence and acquire leadership traits, and the people around him will become truly convinced that he deserves to be their leader.
Because of this fact, some have argued that narcissism could be a positive trait in a person who is ethical. The problem, however, is that most narcissists seem to believe that their needs come before everyone else's, so sooner or later, they are likely to do something unethical, and to betray the trust of those who hold them in high esteem. Narcissists who seem confident at the beginning will often turn out to be arrogant. A narcissist who seems ethical at the beginning will throw ethics out of the window as soon as he feels that his dominance is being threatened. Narcissists believe that they are special, and to reinforce this belief, they surround themselves with people who tend to be agreeable. They want to be around people who will validate their inflated sense of self-worth. Now, even the most agreeable people have the ability to spot flaws in others, and after spending some time with narcissists, they will stop affirming the negative actions of the narcissist. To prevent this, narcissists try to control the thoughts and actions of the people around them. Narcissists are very controlling. They control people in both covert and overt ways. They try to manipulate others so that they keep feeding their “narcissistic supply,” and when people try to break from their control, they can react with anger or rage. In relationships, narcissists are more likely to practice domestic abuse because they are trying to keep the other person under their thumb. At work, narcissists are more likely to act vindictively because they want to punish others for challenging their dominance. Later in the book, we will discuss ways to deal with narcissistic people.
Machiavellianism
Machiavellianism is a dark trait that involves deceitfulness and manipulation. Machiavellians tend to be very cynical people (not that they are skeptical or they have doubtful curiosity; they just don’t care for the moral restrictions that the rest of society adheres to). They tend to be amoral and self-interested. They don't have a sense of right and wrong; they'll take any course of action, as long as it serves their interests. Machiavellians are cold, unprincipled, and they are naturally adept at interpersonal manipulation. They believe that life is a zero-sum game and that the key to success is manipulating others. They approach all kinds of relationships with a cold, calculating attitude, and to them, when they desire a certain outcome in a given situation, the end invariably justifies the means. Machiavellianism is named after Niccolo Machiavelli, the Italian political philosopher who is best known for writing The Prince. The book offers advice on how one can control the masses and manipulate people in order to gain power over them. The book teaches people to be cunning, manipulative, and deceitful, as long as they get what they want. It argues that in pursuit of one's interests, it’s morally justifiable to harm others. In this sense, Machiavellianism is similar to narcissism because, in both traits, there is an underlying belief that one’s own interests serve the common good, even if people are hurt in the process. People with these traits are likely to cheat, lie, and harm others in order to achieve their goals. They are emotionally detached from the people around them, so if you are in a relationship with them, you may notice that all your experiences are shallow. They won’t hesitate to harm others if it’s expedient for them. Where narcissist, sadists, and psychopaths may harm others for
their own enjoyment, because they lack empathy, or to fulfill certain emotional needs, Machiavellians will do it for a rational and arguably pragmatic purpose. They have little consideration for the emotional collateral damage that they leave behind; in fact, they only care about others’ emotions if they know it will come back to haunt them. Machiavellians seem to have "cold empathy" as opposed to "hot empathy." Cold empathy is an understanding of how people may think or act in certain situations, or how certain events may unfold. On the other hand, hot empathy refers to be being aware of and caring about people's emotions in a given situation. Normal people have hot empathy, which means that they understand how others feel, and they take care not to negatively impact the sensibilities of those around them. Machiavellians tend to understand the moves that others are likely to make in specific situations, but they don’t resonate with other people’s emotions. As a result, they tend to come across as unfriendly, emotionally distant, and harsh. Some psychologists and anthropologists have argued that Machiavellianism could be an evolutionary advantage and that it’s, therefore, a desirable trait. Machiavellians understand people’s emotional reactions, which helps them deal with real and perceived threats, but they can technically bypass empathy when reacting to threats, which means that their actions are more effective. If the rule of the jungle (survival of the fittest) applies, then Machiavellians are more likely to thrive. The problem with this argument is that we are not in the jungle anymore, and society only functions if we all care about the welfare of others. Machiavellians are master manipulators, and they are highly likely to be
involved in white collar crimes. People with this trait are more likely to be involved in embezzlement schemes, pyramid schemes, stock swindling schemes, overpricing schemes, and political crimes. They work their way to the top by manipulating people, and when they get to positions of power (whether in business or in politics), they use the same techniques to manipulate the masses.
Psychopathy Of all the dark traits, psychopathy is the most malevolent. Psychopaths have very low levels of empathy, so they don't care for others. On the other hand, they have extremely high levels of impulsiveness, and they are thrill-seeking individuals. They are very callous, very manipulative, and they have a heightened sense of grandiosity. They seek thrills without caring about the harm that they inflict on others in the process. Psychopaths are more difficult to spot than you might think. They tend to
keep normal outward appearances; even though they lack empathy and a conscience, they learn to act normally by observing others' emotional reactions. They can even come across as charming when they are trying to manipulate you. They are volatile, and they have criminal tendencies, although this isn’t always the case. There is a lot of interest and fascination with psychopaths, which is why you see so many depictions of them in pop culture. However, with fascination comes misconceptions. We tend to think of psychopaths as serial killers, bomber, super villains, and people who are certifiably insane, and the danger here is that we forget that most psychopaths are just normal (at least by all appearances), and they can harm us in other ways. People who like starting fights, who disregard your emotions and those who consistently lie to you may turn out to be psychopaths. Adult psychopathy cannot be treated. However, when psychopathic tendencies are observed in children and young people, they can be put through certain programs that teach them to be less callous and more considerate of others. A key thing you need to understand is the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath. In colloquial conversations, these two terms are often used interchangeably, but in psychology, they have different meanings. A sociopath is a person who has antisocial tendencies. Now, these antisocial tendencies are usually a result of social and environmental factors; for example, a person who has a bad childhood may turn out to be a sociopath because he doesn’t trust society in general, or he has developed certain psychological issues as a result of the unfavorable upbringing.
On the other hand, psychopathic traits are innate. People don't become psychopaths; they are born psychopaths. However, social and environmental factors may contribute to a person's particular brand of psychopathy. For example, people who are born with psychopathic traits and are brought up in an environment that is chaotic and violent, are more likely to have more pronounced manifestations of their psychopathy. Experts agree that there are three main factors that contribute towards psychopathy; genetics, brain anatomy, and environmental factors. Like the other dark traits, psychopathy exists on a spectrum. Clinicians use a scale assessment system to measure the level of psychopathy; everyone falls somewhere on that scale, but people with a score of 30 and above as considered to have psychopathy that rises to the level of clinical significance. The Hare Psychopathy Checklist is used by mental health professionals to check for psychopathy, mostly in clinical patients and in criminals, but if you suspect that someone you are dealing with is a psychopath, you can find it online and use it for free as a guide if you want to know for sure that you are indeed dealing with a psychopath.
Sadism Like the other three dark traits, sadism is characterized by callousness. Sadists tend to have normal levels of impulsiveness and manipulation, which explains why this trait wasn’t originally included in what is now known as the "dark triad." The defining characteristic of sadists is that they enjoy cruelty. Everyday sadists tend to be normal and functional by all indications, but they
enjoy harming others. Sadists are referred to as “everyday sadists” because it’s important to make a distinction between them and the narcissists, Machiavellians, and psychopaths who may manifest sadism as part of their other dark traits. Sadists are intrinsically motivated to cause others harm, even if they are completely innocent. Sometimes, sadists can prioritize the infliction of emotional pain on others even if it comes at a personal cost to them. They find cruelty to be pleasurable and exciting, and some even find it sexually stimulating. Some psychologists have noted that sadists are often drawn towards career paths where they are allowed to harm other people under the guise of legitimate work. That means that many of them flock towards law enforcement, the military, etc. Psychologists have observed that when the levels of sadism in police forces are compared to the levels of sadism in the general population, the levels within police departments are always invariably higher. This could explain why police forces often have problems with some of their members taking the law into their own hands. Sadists tend to inflict pain on people around them for no reason, and they are likely to escalate, especially when they discover that the person in question is less likely to push back. That explains why bullies keep picking on people who don't stand up to them. Sadists are the kind of people who would tell your secrets to other people even after promising to keep them private because they enjoy it when you experience discomfort. They are also more likely to portray others in false or unflattering terms, with the intention of damaging the other person’s reputation; while Machiavellians may do this to advance their personal
agenda, sadists would do this because it’s fun for them. Sadists may also work actively to get you fired from your job or to jeopardize your success, not because they want to get ahead of you, but just because they want you to be unhappy. They may also try to ruin your personal relationships; they’ll cause turmoil in your relationship, then sit back and enjoy the drama and misery. They are more likely to steal other people's property, not because they need it, but because they don't want what the other person to have it. They are more likely to bully you either in real life or online. You can always spot a sadist by the comments and remarks he makes online. Most internet trolls tend to be everyday sadists. They will make negative comments about pretty much anything, not because they strongly believe in the opinion that they have, but because they want to annoy you or get a rise out of you. They’ll always find something negative to say about even the most unifying things online. With trolls, the more you engage with them, the more energized they become, and the more they’ll bother you online.
Chapter 3: Psychological Manipulation Techniques
Psychological manipulation is defined as a form of social influence which seeks to alter the behavior and the perceptions of others, by the use of tactics that are indirect, deceptive, and underhanded. In other words, it’s about using certain tricks to get people to act in a certain way or to think certain things, usually to the advantage of whoever is perpetrating the manipulation. This way, the interests of the manipulator are advanced, usually at the expense of the other person in that equation. Psychological manipulation employs methods that are both devious and exploitative, and they are often
used by people who have one or more of the dark personality traits that we discussed in the previous chapter. Now, from the very start, we need to make sure you understand that not all psychological manipulation and social influence is negative. It’s possible to manipulate someone for their own good. For instance, parents may manipulate their children into eating vegetables. In as much as that is manipulation, it ends up benefiting the child because his or her health is improved. Similarly, friends, family members, and healthcare professionals may try to influence you using certain manipulation technique with the aim of getting you to make the right choices in certain situations. Social influence is a normal and important part of social discourse. In healthy social influence, there is no aspect of coercion. In other words, when a wellmeaning person tries to influence you, and you resist that influence, they are not going to strong-arm you into doing what they want. However, in unhealthy psychological manipulation, the manipulator often resorts to coercive techniques if they sense that you are resistant to the softer techniques that they have been trying to use on you. When malicious people deploy psychological manipulation techniques against you, they usually try to conceal the aggressive nature of their intentions, so you have to understand that most of their techniques are designed to be subtle. Most of them will also take some time to get to know you and understand your psychological vulnerabilities before they can decide which manipulation techniques will work on you. This means that just because you have known someone for a while, and you haven’t seen them try to harm you in any way, it doesn’t guarantee the fact that their intentions are
pure, which means that you shouldn’t start disregarding your instincts about them. The best manipulators are those who reveal their intentions long after you have decided to trust them. Remember that manipulators generally have a tendency toward ruthlessness, so even if they are treating you well at the beginning of your association with them, pay close attention to the way they act towards others. If you see them using manipulation techniques against other people, you should know that it’s just a matter of time before they get around to using the same techniques against you. In this chapter, we discuss the most common psychological manipulation techniques that are used by people who mean to harm you or to take advantage or you. It’s important to understand these techniques and how they work so that you can be able to spot them when they are being used against you or someone close to you, and so that you can know how to defend against them.
Gaslighting Gaslighting is one of the most lethal psychological manipulation techniques out there. It’s where a manipulator tries to get their target to start questioning their own reality. It involves getting someone to doubt their own memories and perceptions, and instead, to start believing what the manipulator wants them to believe. The manipulator will sow seeds of doubt in the person so that they start thinking that either they remember things wrong, or they are losing their sanity. Gaslighting involves the persistent denial of things that obvious facts. It also involves a lot of misdirection, contradictions, and blatant lying. When
a person is subjected to gaslighting for a long time, they start to become unstable, and they start feeling as though their own beliefs are illegitimate. One common example of gaslighting is where an abuser convinces the victim that the abusive incident she recalls did not even occur. This phenomenon is more common than you might imagine, and it happens in all sorts of relationships. An abusive spouse might deny ever abusing you when confronted later, by either blatantly denying that they abuse occurred, or claiming that it didn’t happen as you remember and that your version of the events is greatly exaggerated. A manipulative boss or colleague might prey on a subordinate and later deny that it happened that way. Someone who groped you might later claim that they "accidentally brushed against you," and they may insist on it so much, to the point that you start thinking that maybe you were mistaken. You may wonder; “How does it even work? I mean, I have a firm grasp of my own reality, and I doubt someone could be able to convince me that my perceptions are wrong!”
It’s easy to assume that gaslighting won’t work on you because you are smart or because you are strong-willed, but the truth is that when a manipulator is good at what he is doing, you might not even see it coming. The way it works is that it often starts with small lies on the manipulator's part and small concessions on your part. Say, for example, your boyfriend shows up a few minutes late to an appointment when you had agreed to meet at a specific time, and he insists
that he is on time and that it’s you who came in a bit earlier and is mistaken about the timing that you agreed upon. At that moment, you might think, "Well, a 10-minute difference isn't such a big deal, and maybe we just got our lines crossed". You could dismiss this small discrepancy because it seems inconsequently, but that will just be the beginning. The next time, the lie will get a little bigger, and you will feel obligated to excuse it as well, because you already let something else slide, so it would seem inconsistent if you made a big fuss at this point. After that initial seed is sown, the lies will start to escalate, and you will continue making concessions and agreeing with things that you know are lies, until one day, you realize that you are so far gone. You might not even notice when the small lies graduate into bigger lies. In every step of the way, you will be letting go of your reality and accepting the other person's version of things, and you will find yourself trusting their judgment over your own. In a nutshell, gaslighting involves desensitizing you to your own reality, until the truth becomes what the other person says it is. Gaslighting is more likely to work in situations where there is a power dynamic between two people, or between a person and a group of people. In a relationship where the victim is financially or emotionally dependent on the manipulator, the victim may accept to let go of her reality because its more comfortable to do so than to stand up to the manipulator, only to end up losing the relationship. In the workplace, a subordinate may go along with the boss’s lies because he is afraid of losing his job. In a situation where a leader gaslight his followers, it often works because deep within, the followers want to believe whatever lies the leader is telling them.
There are several techniques that gas lighters use to get a stranglehold on their victims. One such technique is withholding. This is where the manipulator refuses to listen to what the victim says or pretends not to understand what they are saying. You might bring up something important, but the response you get is, "I don't even remember this thing you keep talking about." Another gaslighting technique is called countering. This is where the manipulator questions the victim’s memory of the events in questions. They say things like “Were you even sober? Because that is not how that happened." The manipulator would then go on to offer an entirely different version of the story, where he casts himself as the hero or even the "real victim." Gas lighters also use blocking and diverting as a manipulation technique. This is where they change the story or question the way the victim is thinking in order to avoid addressing whatever issue the victim is raising. Trivializing is also a common gaslighting technique. This is where the manipulator makes the victim feel that her feelings or needs aren't that important, or that she is just being unnecessarily dramatic. Manipulators in such cases may say things like "don't blow things out of proportion." You may be able to tell if someone is gaslighting you if you find that you are frequently second-guessing yourself, or that your convictions fade away when you interact with a certain person. If a person makes you ruminate about certain character flaws, they are most likely gaslighting you. Someone
who tells you that you are too emotional might really be trying to get you to stop trusting your emotions. If you feel confused about the nature of your relationship, or you feel like the person is driving you crazy, or that you are losing control when you are with them, they might be gaslighting you. If you walk into a room with the intention of having a discussion about something specific, but a few moments later, you find yourself arguing with your partner about a whole other topic, it means that the person is deliberately frustrating your genuine efforts to communicate, and it could be a sign of gaslighting. If you feel fuzzy about your own beliefs, thoughts, and feelings whenever you are with someone that is a clear red flag. When you are being gaslighted, you might also find that you are constantly apologizing for “being mistaken” or that you are frequently making excuses to yourself and to others for your partner’s behavior.
Projection Projection is a psychological manipulation technique where someone transfers their emotions and mistakes onto you. Projection is a defense mechanism that almost everyone uses to some extent. We all have a natural tendency to project our negative emotions and undesirable feelings onto the people around us, and this often happens when we feel like we have been put on the spot. However, in as much as we all do it, narcissists and people with other dark personality traits tend to do it excessively and to absurd extents. Toxic people find it very difficult to admit even to themselves that the nasty things around them could be a result of their own doing, and they always find people to blame for every little thing that happens. Such people often go out
of their way to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. As a result, they may assign their negative behavior and traits to you. For example, if you have a boss who is always late to work, you might be surprised to find him accusing you of tardiness even if you are consistently punctual. A kleptomaniac is more likely to accuse you of stealing his/her personal items. In relationships, a manipulator who cheats on your is more likely to accuse you of cheating in him/her or to act in a way that suggests that he/she suspects you of cheating. When a person is cheating on you, he may choose to spy on you by checking your messages, phone calls, and emails, and he is more likely to barrage you with questions every time you are a few minutes late. Now, a good partner may get a little suspicious or insecure if you suddenly become more secretive or absent, but if your partner starts treating you with suspicion even if you acting completely normal, chances are they are the ones who are cheating, and they are just projecting it onto you. Manipulators tend to project partly because they want to destruct you and to keep you on the defensive, and this gives them more control over your life. When they accuse you of certain things, and you feel like you owe them an explanation, it allows them to dominate you; in other words, it becomes as though they are the “boss or you” and you now have to answer to them. As you frantically try to defend yourself from the accusations that they have made against you, they get to do whatever they want, and you never get the time to call them out on their mistakes. They are also counting on the fact that it would feel weird and childish if you accused them of the exact thing, they have already accused you of, so it takes away the possibility that you might confront them based on suspicions that you might have.
As we have mentioned, projection is something that everyone does, and that can complicate things for you if a manipulative person project onto you. When someone projects negative emotions onto you, you might have a natural inclination to project your sense of empathy and compassion back onto them. This explains why projection works so well as a manipulation technique. Even when someone is accusing you of doing something bad, you will still feel compassion for them, and you will go out of your way to reassure them that they are mistaken; but when you do this, they win, albeit with your help. When you feel like someone is projecting onto you, the best thing you can do is leave your own emotions out of the equation and try to respond as rationally as possible.